spinning woman

I had an angry animal under my skin
I slammed the car door
Ignored all concerns
grabbed my baggage
pistol stilettos and latex
made up face but brimming in tears
I made it to stage
maybe it makes things look more real
she asked what was wrong
I said I felt bipolar
The days bleed into one
and it has become less of a party and more of a sick joke
I feel I have to say something.
Silence . Silence,
They want more more… but they want it for free
not becuae they are lonely but
maybe because they are broken
and missing something
and I tried to be that something.
I tried to be their somrthing but
I wasn’t
rejection isnt sexy
And it sits in my chest
maybe it is not meant to be
I need to try different things
Ive lost that sparkle in my eyes
the one that makes them want to take care
But I just want to push them all away…
So self defeating
I transition between hopefull and less so,
mindf wanders under the changing colors of lights
on stage and all is lost
I spin fast, maybe I can get lost
i walk i stumble, carry on,
as they look on and get lost again in their thoughts

Aside

things dont need to be linear

as they go they can be written

thoughts do not have to be made en order

you are. you aren’t

you are cool . you aren’t

you are. arent

and then the self hatred thing…you supress.

and you hold your chin high because you 

know those voices… arent you 

and you let fear drive you

unhappily by the nose

…and moment when disappears 

that fear-monster like animal

at your shoulder, maniifested 

by your weakened weekend state

and you can breathe…that is when happiness comes.

little sunshine to my dead bed of roses

let yourself bleed into spaces

DON’T tell yourself how it must be 

how you should be 

what LIFE is 

you spend too much time thinking about your unhappiness

without seeing or living. 

let the chips fall 

 

Momentary enlightened state #1

Lately I feel a bit like I’m “coming into the light” just a bit, so to speak, like blinds peeking open to reveal a bit of twilight. It could be that I am in a good mood lately, partially due to the new “lover”. Although on many levels this should be a distraction from enlightenment, I don’t think it has rendered me disconnected from myself very much and in some ways has helped. With that being said,  I do not think I am nieve enough to believe there is a devine”oneness” with him in the traditional sense but he exercises my rational mind whether he knows it or not also satisfies basic human urges to make me feel a bit more sane. He knows a lot about me already because I’ve revealed much ( due to overgenerous tendencies and will), not in words but in action, in sighs, in unspoken communication. In a way there is much synchronization as well, a common wholeness that is felt in his orbit. I don’t think this is “magic”; it is purely understandable and non mysterious, however beautiful and I’ll be the first to pay heed and drop to my knees in a state of profound gratefulness for him playing the role and being “that” for me.

With this being said, I felt it hasn’t distracted me much to my pursuit of a higher state of consciousness. Lately in fact I have felt a few “a ha” moments. I wrote some notes on a post it and would like to share;

Admitting weakness – being genuine


Never taking a Stance
Value others as a star
Think evaluate before you speak – less of habit
Do not take moral superiority/ high ground
Be curious about others/ the world outside yourself

So often people are putting up their facade, rarely taking down. It is a constant struggle to “one up” and never show weakness. And I say, what is the harm ? Segregating oneself is only putting the ego on a pedistol; it brings everyone at an overall unconscious tension to deal with this, having them react to this superficial ego-inflation. Everyone can use a bit of humility and quiet.

Also reading Moonchild I felt a bit of curiosity stirred about the world….it created some very logical points touched on some interesting phrases. Taoism is a new word/ concept that I want to know about. It makes much sense.

I am still very far, light years away from touching base of divine.

I am open to changes, revelations and disappointment. My wish is only to remain open to change and see from myself, feel the uncomfortable cold and the inviting warm and accept it as part of the growing experience.

dream, under the influence of spirit

Before bed last light , which was not night at all but rather 4 am in the morning, I took a special brew of my own recipe,  it was a clumsy and hasty witchery but created an interesting effect. I took Borneo Kratom around 12;30 am and felt initial effects about half an hour later. Kratom makes me feel ‘opiated’ which in my experience is drowsy, a bit dizzy and relaxed with mild nausea. It isn’t my most favorite spirits but it is pleasant, like being wrapped up for bed in a warm blanket. It is subtle in small doses, in larger doses it renders me weak intoxicated/ a bit out of control with nauseous effects almost overpowering pleasantness. 

I also decided, since I was at a “peak” and it wasn’t satisfying to my curiosity and sense of danger, I decided to make a tea of ayauasca leaves and “dream herb”leaves. The brew tasted foul, kind of like drinking 80 proof liquor but instead of alcohol it was a bitter, leafy taste, very strong and hard to swallow. After the first few hot swigs I think I felt my stomach churning. I thought, if I was going to puke I should try to get as much in as possible. I tried drinking it as fast as I could. I stayed up trying to pay attention to You Tube videos on Ayauasca as well as “researching” as well as I could… my attention span was fading fast. I felt a bit doubtful in myself and my cognitive abilities and doubted if my “trip” desire was pure. I was tired. Maybe that is all it was; I was like a child waiting up for a lunar eclipse that kind of never happened. Very little describable effects came out of the brew.I went to bed. 

In bed, my dreams were so “noisy” that it was hard to sleep. I think I woke up about an hour in and wondered what was going on, looking around as if someone/ something had awoken me…. I think it was like caffeine is to wakefulness, it is animation and energy to the dream. I wouldn’t say it produced “lucid” dreaming but nearly. I felt that if I were to “will” it it would take me into those effects. 

What I did remember of my dream were little tokens and bits that will be a struggle to describe but I’ll do my best to highlight them for recording sake (and indulgence);

I saw Russell, who was staying at this camp thing with me as well as a bunch of others. I remember somethings happening with an animal of some sort , who was free among the camp sight. There was conversation about the animal. I remember feeling the urge/ habit to walk away from Russell  when I encountered him because I have this tendency to ignore people I find most intimidating and since we have a bit of a past. instead, I stayed and the tension grew. I don’t know what I was thinking but I stayed and observed instead of being busy, answered his questions (small talk)….And other things happened but later in the dream, somehow lounging, I like a cat in heat , gravitated and curled up to him; my foot nearing his groin, his acceptance by not moving away confirmed what I’ve always wanted to know. 

That was what I remember. 

I know it was a bit irresponsible to drink the brew. I possibly had no effect besides the dream herb. The DMT was possibly not activated because the heat of the tea and because it needed another element an MAOI (?) found in another Brazilian plant I must order. I also need to educate myself on the actual recipe .

Overall, I think I need more experience with dream herb to confirm its effects. 

 

 

patience, please

(my ‘w’ is not working. and I do not choose to copy and paste them all thought this, so, I warn you no, things may be difficult to understand. )

  I am caught in the crux of an uneasy situation that embarrassingly is imaginary and difficult to explain at best.
Patience is a good quality to have,I imagine when dealing with these words. These words are merely an attempt to explain the inner-working of my mind, although I hardly understand it myself. I guess the best thing to do is do what is expected; create a story. Because a story is a plot line that goes somewhere; anywhere. Of course it’s validity can always be debatable, for nothing such as someone’s story can ever be dis proven completely because thoughts are not concrete and provable. All we have as judgement is our own consciousness; whether or not e can live with ourselves for defying our on inner-compass is hat e choose to live with. I can try my best to successfully get where I want by either a; choosing the path that I’ve already explored before; identifying myself by over-used adjectives to describe my personality and tendencies.. or b; I can explore unmarked territory and create a story that I want to make for myself, maybe practice mindfulness, use present associations. After all, no one is looking to judge but ourselves. e have to live with our o n stories.  

There is the fear of being entertaining enough, smart enough (attractive enough, the list goes on …). And all of those insecurities can bleed through something that is supposed to be free of external influence. Those are past-associations and imaginary. I can leave them behind with incredible mental effort or choose to drag them along. I guess the fear of being unlikable is legitimate; I guess the argument against this is no one ants to hear self-masturbatory egocentric story without direction, only someone hos is “crazy” and so rapped up within themselves can think beyond those thoughts. But here I am thinking about this endless thought-process repeating itself over and over like a record on replay. Ho far can e go within ourselves before its no longer in our favor?  I imagine it like a continuing line in a concentric circle a spiral continuing inward, perhaps it has a vast amount if space but always less and less each time it circles it closes in tighter. And like the canine tooth of a male babirusa, hose formidable tusk-like tooth  can slowly gro to pierce its on skull and prove fatal, maybe our on thinking can be our end. And hen I say ‘e’ sometimes I mean ‘Me/I’ but I hope there are parallels out there.

And without fearing any deadlines, any personal obligations, irrational fears and phobias I explain to myself for I AM ALONE,’  It’s okay to be you’ . No one is directing you because I’ve decided this moment (again, I say “you” and I interchangeably ). And thoughts and images creep up and strike fear in my heart, images of being someone I hadn’t chose to be; someone that I despise , and maybe I have never totally accepted her. That part of me, that flash of something I see in my eyes in the mirror hen I’m not expecting to see my reflection. I’ve hidden her she is the underbelly that I try so hard to conceal, even unconsciously from myself.  Lately I’ve been seeing more and more ugly and its not in the mirror. Maybe it is the mirror of my subconscious which I dread and even the writing of these words make them more real than they ever ere, like an army of small inconsequential gestures creeping up into one gigantic mental shadow, hen I close my eyes I cannot see nothingness but the undefinable chatter and fuzz within my on mind, like barbs, like knives, like insects. 

I am not crazy. I am just a normal girl with too much time on my hands. And this is the story I spin for you beginning with ‘I am not crazy. I am just a normal girl’, or maybe it as earlier. this to be honest I’m not sure about. I am sure about nothing. all I can tell you is that I tried to be my most pure self. I rote this with the best intention, realizing it is incredibly selfish but hoping that someone out there ill hear it and realize that these words can be there on if they had decided to look in. but maybe its the gloomy eather.  

inspiration comes by nightfall

I’m quickly writing a few words to try to make more permanent impermanent fleeting sensation of inspiration. lately ive been quite bogged down by a feeling of empty restlessness; a directionless and arduous trek through life. I think the world has briefly given me respite to this horrible sensation and i realize; now i see, like clouds briefly opening to give way too light …but that is what inspiration is after all. the allusion is all too commonplace, yet it works.

I must be happy with me before anything. i must know who i am. Easier said that done, im assuming. but in this moment i feel closer to knowing that; knowing ME.

I try so hard in all the wrong ways…must “be this”, and  must “buy that” ,” like this music” and be in this group and be accepted by” those people”. Forget that.Yet do not be give up on life and become an unwashed depressed loner…which is unsocial and therefore unhealthy, let the outside be the outside and let it be there to help you be more you. there is not one right opinion as you may feel that you have to posses…you are a being of many different and varied viewpoints and that is okay. The key is to accept this fact and have a way of not fighting it. in other word, coming to terms with how uncontained and chaotic we are.

And a bit on a side note. one of my insecurities as of late is the gender equality subject. rarely am i one to feel oppressed because of gender but lately i feel it is a preconditioning of society as a whole that makes us act a certain way or feel a whole lot more misplaced than we should. we live in a society that doesnt support out talents and ideas as it should. But that is life in the glass house..it becomes a personal obsession if i do not just ignore it…i tip toe around this if only momentarily.

I think i am stepping in the right direction with my mental health , whatever that means, maybe i am on an adrenaline high and this will all mean absolutely nothing in the morning. All i know is that inspiration is key for it is a lust for life,,, it is faster than just living it has a purpose, almost a destination. it is precise and cuts to the point.

I’m considering straight-edgeism . Fuck intellectual elitism and feeling inferior. Fuck sense of dissatisfied self and fuck retail therapy or whatever social numbing I participate in in a sad attempt to feel happy with myself. Fuck thc which will only make you forget, and embrace a false childhood and denial of responsibility. fuck your need to drink out of boredom for the same reason….for your need to feel cool and interesting. you will be no ones tourniquet and not even your own. stop making excuses and dive in to THINGS ….ANYTHING fully completely. let it be your companion. let it take your time and energy let it become you. Stop regretting or feeling guilty for not having a talent because your caution. you are too cautious so much so that life goes on without you . you have wasted so many precious minutes hours days and years not being submerged into what you are doing. you care too much about THEM. Fuck the outside world . what do you write or do for than ????to create a world..a story you want to live in because life can be too dull to just watch you should participate to make a strong impression.

Another side note and brief derailing of topic ;you need to stop obsessing about weight and waist- size in regards to what men may think , you should eat healthy and excercize for your own benefit and no one elses. yes maybe a healthy sense of competition may spur you to reach a certain level of fitness but it shouldn’t be your primary concern certainly not men. you have a man and supposedly he respects you your mind, your presence your choices. you do not need  to fit into the ultimate ideal (although, without sounding contradictory hopefully later when ready a feeling of sexuallity and beauty may be expressed in a resonable way…but not as a way to validate yourself to larger society). Being self contained and happy is sexy. Being content with yourself without overt displays is beautiful. Remember that what you want is that mental clarity and inspiration chase that. run but dont abuse….never abuse. Treat yourself the way you want eden to treat herself . with respect.

And since my ideas are becoming less strong and more preachy  i shall leave this page and bid farewell.. until the clouds open up again.